Monday, July 30, 2007

Saving Grace

There is a new TV show out and I hope it stays good. It's called "Saving Grace" on TNT. So far there is "Grace Hanadarko" (Holly Hunter) who is this Godless, self centered, hedonistic cop who is "doomed for hell," and this chew spitting angel named "Earl" (Leon Rippy) who is supposed to save her. The show got me thinking, as all good shows do. What is it that I would ask God?

I do believe in God. I don't think the chances for life anywhere could exist without a lot of help. The right environment, the right time, the right place for life to begin and then be nurtured to evolve into a complex system of living interacting cohesive living organisms is just to complex for chance. Take apart a clock piece by piece until all you have are all the correct disassembled pieces then put it into a shoe box. Now the chances for all those pieces to naturally somehow come together in one place at one time is mind boggling. So you have all the makings for a clock in one place but you still do not have a working clock. Next you tape the lid shut and you shake that shoe box for as long as you want and then open it to see if there is a complete assembled working clock inside. Ok you've only tried once. Try it again and again and again and again. What are the chances that there will ever be a complete working clock? I don't know that there would ever be a clock without someone who knew what they were doing putting the clock together. So to me there must be a God to have life even exist. It's all that makes sense to me.

Anyway, I was just wondering what questions I would ask God. I know I would ask why is there disease, death, suffering and greed. I think I would ask him why he didn’t come up with a better plan for life. I would ask why he doesn’t intercede when thing go horribly wrong? I would ask him why there are flies, cockroaches and mosquitoes? I hate those things. Why did he make hate so easy and love so hard? I would ask why he doesn’t stop religion and promote godliness. There are so many things I would ask. What would you ask?

Friday, July 27, 2007


Acquaintances, Friends, Fair-Weather-Friends, Good-Friends, Best-Friends, Life-Long-Friends. There are lots of categories of “friends” because there are lots of reasons or circumstances why people jump to another category of friendship or stop being friends.

For me there are only two categories, “friends” (the life-long type) or “acquaintances” (everyone else). I don’t put a lot of stock in the “everyone else” category. I don’t expect they will call me to “hang out” or remember my birthday or even be around next year. On the other hand I expect them to feel the same way about me. However if they do show up at the house I will feed them, buy them a drink at the bar, or chat occasionally with them. But I don’t expect they will be there begging to help me move (a true sign of a Life-Long-Friend) or have me as a necessary part of their life. In keeping with this point of view on friendship, people don’t disappoint me. If one of my "acquaintances" gets a boyfriend or girlfriend they may drop off the face of the planet and I won’t hear from them until they break up or get thrown out of the house. Life-Long-Friends don’t abandon you because they have someone more interesting or who is jealous of their time or who puts out.

Life-Long-Friends help you and care about you no matter what or for how long. They keep in touch. They find out when you need help and they offer to help or just plain show up. They are involved with your life. I am talking a two way street here. You do the same for them.


This weekend the hotels are sold out, the Gas Lamp district is crawling with Lord of the Rings and Star Wars characters! You could say Halloween has come early this year, but no, it's ComiCon. People dress up in their favorite comic book character super-hero outfit and go to the convention center where vendors are set up to sell you super-hero paraphernalia, posters, video games, and of course comic books and magazines. I guess if you're you are bored with your own life you can always pretend to have some world saving hero life. And you have to pay through the nose for these pretend lives. One VIP pass for one day is $150. Someone is making some serious money on this stuff! I guess people really are that bored. Well at least it's entertaining for those of us who work downtown.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


I have had a lot of jobs and none really are perfect. My best job was being as a Wilderness Ranger in the Sierra Nevada in the Toiyabe National Forrest in the Hoover Wilderness. It was so beautiful. I worked spotting fires, fixing trails, removing debris cause by avalanche, checking wilderness and hunting permits, search and rescue, and of course trash removal. The job itself was daunting covering 149,000 acres (75 square miles) alone. But just being there was wonderful. It was actually quite lonely. I would be alone for long periods of time, sometimes months. It was very low pay with no medical coverage. The conditions were also not the best in that I could only eat dried or canned food. There was no way to keep fresh food. There was no electricity, no refrigeration, no running water, and no motors were allowed. No motors means all cutting of wood had to be done by hand saw or axe. It was a lot of hard work but it was so incredibly beautiful.

Since then I have had better paying jobs, with medical, but have not liked any of them. It always seems like a trade off. You either love the job you have and get paid nothing for it or hate the job and make an actual living at it.

Working out is such a pain

I don't care what anyone says, it is so much easier to just not work out. You don't have to get up at dark-thirty and go down to the gym, or you don't have to force yourself to work out after work. You don't have to have sore, achey muscles. You can just go home and sit on the couch and watch mindless TV, or just nap. Yes it's much easier to just NOT workout.
So four times a week, every time, I have to force myself to go to the gym. It's easier not to go, but if I don't go eventually I end up disgusting myself when I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror. When I lived in Texas I hardly worked out and I was not happy with myself. The instant gratification of not working out was great everyday, but the view in the mirror was totally depressing. So I have learned that there are so many things I hate doing that still have to do if I want to have a good life. I don't have to do laundry but then there is nothing to wear if I don't. I don’t have to clean the bathrooms, but then they become so disgusting I hate using them. If I don't try to clean the house, then I live in a pig sty. If I don't workout then I have to live with the body I get instead live with the body I am working towards. I still hate going every time, but I go.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Tribal Son

We stopped by their booth at the Pride Festival and saw this gorgeous piece. Peter (who made the piece) explained it as "KHAN, Talisman worn only by the fiercest warriors. Inspired by the legendary Genghis Khan, It is fearless and driven to victory. Made of Solid Sterling Silver." I tried it on and it looked really good. John said, "do you want it?" I thought for a moment, weighed it out in my mind and said "yes, I do." I rarely buy things unless it's food. I don't like things that are mass produced and cheaply made. This was something hand crafted of good material and fine quality. Above all, it looked good on me. This really means something to me and always will. It is something like me and it was a gift from my one true love on a very proud day. I will wear this with pride and much love. It doesn't hurt that I do look fierce in this!

Courtesy isn't common

I've always heard the terms Common Sense and Common Courtesy. I've always thought everyone had them since they are "common." I'm finding it less and less common. It always bothers me when I go to the gym and people seem to be able to open a locker door, get undressed and into their gym clothes, workout, shower, get re-dressed and then can't close the locker door when they leave. They just leave it open unlike how they found it expecting that "the help" will come by and close it. Sometimes they just leave their towel on the ground instead of putting it in the used towel container. I think they still feel like their mother is still following them around picking up after them. Don't even get me started on re-racking your weights where they belong. People think that if they pay their gym membership someone else can hunt for the weights.

I am always amazed when you are at a table at a bars with friends and someone just comes up and puts an empty beer or glass on your table and walk away. The bar may be the same distance away from them but they expect that their trash belongs on your table where you can deal with it. I usually hand it back to them and direct them to the bar.

I was at my local bar this week when someone slammed into me smashing me into my table squeezing by. I instantly recovered and smashed back. I said you don't just smash into people, you say "excuse me" first and people will usually make room for you to get by. He said "Is that really necessary?" I said "no, not if you are an asshole."

There are a myriad of these type of actions people do to other people because they think they are the only person on the planet that matters. You know what I mean. That person on the phone who almost crashes into your car when they change into your lane without looking, without signaling or without getting a clue. Or the person who misses their turn on a busy street and decides to back up oblivious to the people they are blocking. Or the person in the passing lane who must think this is the lane where everyone passes you. Common courtesy seems to be dying very quickly.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Gay pride is coming up in San Diego which made me start thinking about "GAY" pride.

When you say the word “GAY” what comes to mind? What do you see on TV when they cover a Pride Parade? How does TV usually portray gay men? The image that gays are portrayed as are “drag queens” or “flaming bitter queers” or "swishy feminine acting fags" or anything other than a masculine, strong, man. To me, it is demeaning. Gay men are portrayed as men, acting like or who want to live like women, and that is not what all gay men are.

I am a man. I love rare steaks off the grill, my built Jeep 4x4, weightlifting, beer & tequila, skydiving, downhill skiing, guys bars, levis, working on my house and yard, roughing it, the 300, and other real men. I am not limp-wristed, do not speak with a lisp, do not wear women’s clothes, am not feminine, not flaming, not afraid to get dirty or break a nail, and not considered to be feminine. I don’t like Karaoke or "show-tunes" or musical productions. I don’t swish when I walk. I am comfortable with my gender and enjoy other men who feel the same.

I don't care if you like wearing six foot high wigs and seaquined dresses and look like Divine. Just don't tell me that that is what being gay is all about.

I also hate the term "straight acting." What does that mean? If you don't act effeminate then your not acting gay? Does it mean your a man who acts like a man who likes pussy? It seems like feminine, swishy, drag queen stereotype has been forced on us to sum up all that is gay.

If I wanted to be with or date a person who is feminine, and soft and limp-wristed, I would be with a woman. That is why the stereotype “gay” does not fit me. I am a homosexual man, not straight acting, just a real man.


Right now there is this whole big thing on CNN & CSPAN on dog fighting and how cruel it is. An NFL player, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Vick, is accused of organizing dog fights and killing dogs in inhumane ways.

It seems it is ok to put an animal down like a horse if it breaks it's leg and will not heal. If an animal’s quality of life is not good enough to live we will humanely and mercifully put it down. Even if the animal can not tell us that is what it wants, we determine that for them. We are perfectly fine with putting these animals “to sleep” if their quality of life will not be good or they have no hope of living or are in too much pain.

Now, why is it that we can not give our fellow human beings, who can determine for themselves, if their quality of life is worth or not worth living, the same right? Why must we say human life is so sacred that it must be lived out to the last natural or un-natural, life supported second, no matter how much the pain or or how horrible that quality of life is? Why don't we respect human life as much as we respect animal life? Why can't we be merciful and humane to our fellow human beings?

Friday, July 13, 2007


Have you ever noticed how many people around you are talking on cell phones or are in chat rooms on their computers or blackberries or texting other people or getting texted or watching a movie in their car or playing a video game or otherwise just totally oblivious to where they are and who they are with?
Why is the urge to constantly talk to someone who is not with you so irresistible? Are people really that uncomfortable with what they are doing, or who they are with, that they have to float off to an electronic never-never land? Is it just an extension of the TV generations, where people no longer had to live where they are, they just turn on the boob-tube and float away? Is escapism really the ultimate reality?

Don't you find it just a little weird?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


For years I roamed around the Sierra Nevada Mountains mainly on my motor cycle (which could not carry much) or in my GTO (which couldn’t off-road). I always dreamed about getting something I could just drive onto BLM land (completely self contained) off-road and just get "lost." Not seeing anyone and being surrounded by that incredible scenery and water is just so irresistible to me. Woofy is set for that. Woofy is the name of my Jeep Wrangler Sahara.
Now that I am locked into a mortgage, a 5 day a week job, and upkeep of a home and pets, getting away for a month at a time is no longer a possibility. I can’t just get up and go fly-fishing and camping in the backcountry when the weather is right anymore. But with my new Jeep I know I could if I really need to. There is a sense of freedom even though it is not really real. Just driving the thing makes me feel like I can go where ever I want when ever I want. I think that’s the reason people get vehicles. It’s more of an identity of who you are (or what you want to be), rather than what you are.
So for now I settle for the occasional 4 day get away now and then. But if I really wanted to...


It seems to me that there is very little on TV that I like to watch. I really got involved watching "Over There." It was a show about the soldiers in Iraq and their home lives. It was well written, well acted, intelligent and of course... canceled. "Jack & Bobby" was another show about a future president’s life growing up. The acting was incredible, the writing was superb and the show was canceled.
Lately I had fallen in love with "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." It takes place behind the scenes of a fictional live sketch comedy show with cameos by such well-knows as Sting. The show is executive produced-directed by Thomas Schlamme, (Emmy Award-winner for “The West Wing”) and the Emmy Award-winning executive producer-writer (NBC's "The West Wing") Aaron Sorkin. It is a show that makes you think, question, deal with real issues and feel emotion. Of course it is cancelled. People prefer fart jokes, inane language and T&A. I get the feeling IQ's have seriously dropped over the last couple of decades in America. To me that is both sad and dangerous. Another place where IQ points have seriously dropped... the white house.

Monday, July 9, 2007

The News

I remember when the news was Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, Peter Jennings... I remeber when important news was just that. When truth seemed more important than entertainment. Today I don't even try to watch fox news or for that matter even CNN. When gossip is called news for the purpose of shock or entertainment in the effort to boost ratings, news falls by the wayside. Do newsmen and anchors know we are still at war? I don't see it or hear about it anymore because it just doesn't get ratings. Instead I hear about who Britany Spears is screwing this week (like that matters in anyones life some how). "Is your dog phychic? News at 11" was the actual blurb I heard to get me to wath late night news. Tabloid gossip is what is now considered to be newsworthy. Why has this happened? Advertising. If more people watch a program they networks can charge more for advertising. The way to get more people to watch is by putting more coverage on things they want to watch like the chance to get a shot of Janet Jacksons tits. T&A is what America wants to see and that means advertising dollars. So the real stories of soldiers, marines and sailors who's families are being ripped apart by a war does'nt even get aired, but coverage of some spoiled brats "star" tits get the main focus. It seems you have to watch the BBC or the news in other countries to find out the real news here at home. What a shame people watch this scheit and give it any validity at all.


After more than half a century I am starting to believe that my life is quite different than the average persons. Things I thought everybody had done...Gone backpacking in a wilderness for at least one week a year.Done some daring sport on a regular basis like rockclimbing, iceclimbing, or something close. Just writing these things down, feels like no big thing.

I grew up attracted to the water and to wilderness like most no one else in my family. I would drag my little brother along whenever I could so of course he was doing the same things too. I started SCUBA diving when I was 13 with my first check out dive with a Killer Whale at the Coronodo Islands in Mexico. I started backpacking at age 11.

I started working when I was 11 years old. My first job was digging ditches for water and sewer lines. The first thing I learned to drive was a back-hoe. I worked laying water, sewer and cable TV lines. I worked on concrete crews pouring slabs and walls for tilt-up buildings all the way up to pouring the concrete footings, walls, and containments for Nuclear Power Plants. I've done commercials electrical work. I've done some framing and drywall. I can do plumbing. Most of my teens through early 30's were spent doing hard labor or on adventures in the wilderness.

I became a mountain guide, taught Rock Climbing, Ice Climbing, Orienteering, Survival Classes, Wilderness photography and Backpacking. I worked for the Forest Service as a Wilderness Ranger in the Hoover Wilderness in the Toiyabe National Forest. I packed horses for the Forest Service, did Search and Rescue, fought fires and maintained trails. I lived alone in a 149,000 acre (75 square mile) area of the wilderness. I have climbed many peaks and monoliths such as El Capitan and Half Dome. I have been face to face with bears in the wild. I ran a sucessful program for Orange County which was modeled after Outward Bound" in which we took up to 10 inner-city youths (in trouble with the juvenile justice system) and put them through a high mountain, 100-120 mile course teaching personal and group coping skills, orienteering skills, rock climbing skills, and survival skills. Their coping skills improved and their trouble with law enforcement vanished.

I also went to a protestant university and majored in Psychology, Biblical Studies and Outdoor Education. I volunteered as a counselor at a suicide prevention hot-line nights while going to school. I was very involved in the Southern Baptist Church and then the Dutch Reform Church before giving up on religion all together. I did not give up my faith, just my faith in religion. I was a volunteer fireman in Temecula while living and working there.

If all this sounds normal, that's exactly what I thought. But people keep telling me this is not normal, that this is some how brave or exemplary. It all just seems normal to me.


I never thought I would start a BLOG. I'm just not that verbal. I'm opinionated, stubborn, hard-headed but just not that interested in voicing my views. But lately I think I am changing because of the last six years of bullshit at the top of our government... one I did not vote for. There has been to much outrage and not enough activism. We should all be screaming at what our government has shoved down our throats or bald faced lied to us about.

I really don't know if anyone will be interested in what I wrie here and I don't really care. I am not telling anyone about this site yet.